Courage

I have been thinking a lot about the many women in my life who share in the struggle to start or expand their families. Infertility, miscarriage, the hell of adoption, a difficult pregnancy, the loss of a newborn.... The spectrum of this kind of trial is broad and I would dare say there are few of us who haven't been affected personally or have had someone close go through one or more of the above. My dear sisters, cousins, friends, and women sitting across from me at the fertility clinic...  this blog post is for you.

Not to take away from the significance that these experiences have on our male counterparts, but I think that as a woman there is something specifically painful and personal about not being able to easily conceive and bear a child. It doesn't matter if you alway wanted to be a mother of 5 or found out later in life that a child was something you wanted in your life. Realizing that you are in the group where motherhood wont come easily to you  hugely sucks. It consumes your emotions and your thoughts, makes you feel out of control of your own life and body, and more than anything makes you want to go vigilante on the women in the news who harm their children and curse the fertility gods when you hear about a 16 year old girl on her 3 unwanted pregnancy. I have been there. I have cried myself to sleep. I have avoided baby showers like the plague. I have prayed more fervently then ever before in my life. And at the end of the 3 years, thousands of dollars of treatments, and a very patient husband, I was lucky. I had a beautiful son. And he is wonderful and I am so grateful he is here. But looking back on the experience, and getting prepared to start fertility treatments again, I see something new. Having a child was only one of the blessings I was given through this experience. I see that this trial, the same one I cursed for so long, has enabled me. It has given me strength. It has taught me courage. And although it sounds super cheesy, I wouldn't be who I am today if I had not gained the perspective the trial forced me to learn.  
And so to those of you out there who are somewhere on this spectrum and feeling anything like I did. Here is a note of encouragement to you. You are stronger than you know. You are not alone. You are in my thoughts and my fingers are continually crossed for you.
With love,
Jan