Courage

I have been thinking a lot about the many women in my life who share in the struggle to start or expand their families. Infertility, miscarriage, the hell of adoption, a difficult pregnancy, the loss of a newborn.... The spectrum of this kind of trial is broad and I would dare say there are few of us who haven't been affected personally or have had someone close go through one or more of the above. My dear sisters, cousins, friends, and women sitting across from me at the fertility clinic...  this blog post is for you.

Not to take away from the significance that these experiences have on our male counterparts, but I think that as a woman there is something specifically painful and personal about not being able to easily conceive and bear a child. It doesn't matter if you alway wanted to be a mother of 5 or found out later in life that a child was something you wanted in your life. Realizing that you are in the group where motherhood wont come easily to you  hugely sucks. It consumes your emotions and your thoughts, makes you feel out of control of your own life and body, and more than anything makes you want to go vigilante on the women in the news who harm their children and curse the fertility gods when you hear about a 16 year old girl on her 3 unwanted pregnancy. I have been there. I have cried myself to sleep. I have avoided baby showers like the plague. I have prayed more fervently then ever before in my life. And at the end of the 3 years, thousands of dollars of treatments, and a very patient husband, I was lucky. I had a beautiful son. And he is wonderful and I am so grateful he is here. But looking back on the experience, and getting prepared to start fertility treatments again, I see something new. Having a child was only one of the blessings I was given through this experience. I see that this trial, the same one I cursed for so long, has enabled me. It has given me strength. It has taught me courage. And although it sounds super cheesy, I wouldn't be who I am today if I had not gained the perspective the trial forced me to learn.  
And so to those of you out there who are somewhere on this spectrum and feeling anything like I did. Here is a note of encouragement to you. You are stronger than you know. You are not alone. You are in my thoughts and my fingers are continually crossed for you.
With love,
Jan

Growing in to 30

I recently got my hair cut. I had been growing it out for the last 2+ years as somesort of dramatic self discovery/ coming to the end of my 20's desire to see how long hair made me feel. Who knows maybe long hair was the missing link that would instantly make me feel more beautiful, intelligent, confident or more settled in to my 30's.  I even fantasized that when I was done growing it really long I would chop it and donate it to make wigs for kids with cancer or something else selfless and kind. That would be awesome, and totally help justify my otherwise narcissistic hair growing rampage. During this rampage I tried many variations of bangs and layers and even dyed my hair dark brown. I figured anything was better than going back to my old short blonde hair style that has stuck with me just like hoodies and flip flops for the past 2 decades. And then... last week I was sitting at a hair salon for a trim and I found myself telling the stylist... "just highlight it blonde and chop it all off. I am tired of my quest for long hair. I don't know how to style it or manage it, and the truth be told I really don't like how it looks on me." And so she did. And ironically I LOVE IT! I know it is just hair, but I feel more like myself than I have in a while. I have realized that maybe I was taking the "growing" a little bit too literally. I didn't need to change/grow my hair to change and grow as a person. And having the same old boring hair definitely doesn't mean that I am still the same person I was back in high school, or even the same person I was 7 years ago when I got married.  And so with my 30th birthday behind me I feel happy as I reflect on who I am now and who I hope to grow into during my 30's besides someone who still loves hoodies, flip flops and a low maintenance short hair style....

Here is a 30 year old me and the new version of my old haircut. 

Easter weekend in Florida...

We went to Florida for Easter weekend. Yes I agree that it is borderline embarrassing the amount that we have been travelling the past 6 months. Florida, Canada, Utah, Mexico, now back to Florida again. But in our defense we have had a lot of unexpected stress creep up in the same time frame. And apparently we are the type of folks who when the going gets tough, we get going... literally... on an airplane, or in the case of last weekend in a mini-van!
Our Easter trip was to Fort Walton beach Florida. We had never been there before, but the drive out to the Florida pan handle is quite a common weekend trip for Houstonians since it is under 10 hours and the beaches are so so much better than ours in Galveston. We traveled with our good friends the Nuttalls, who were in need of some beach TLC as well. And oh man we had such a fun time! We headed out Thursday afternoon and stayed the night in New Orleans, then on to Florida in the morning. (Here is the map of our drive) The little kids did so much better in the van than expected ( Wheeler is going through an "I hate my car seat" phase that started just days before this trip... so we were a little nervous) but thanks to a DVD player and big box of toys he did just fine.
We got to the beach Friday afternoon and spent the rest of Friday and all day Saturday playing in the sand and waves. Here are a few pictures.

Olivia wasn't a big fan of the texture of the sand, but warmed up to it after a while. 

Our hotel was right on the beach and had a great view from the balcony! 

On Easter Sunday we had an egg hunt in the hotel room for the kids. We practiced the week before, so both of them had it down pat and did a great job finding all the eggs. Afterwards we packed up and made the trek back to New Orleans for some beignets and dinner before the drive home to Houston. It was my first time in New Orleans, so I was excited to explore around the French Quarter. It is a really cool place, although I didn't earn any Mardi Gras beads... maybe next time.  Here are some pics from our short stop. 

*A big thanks to the Nuttalls for such a fun weekend getaway!